Inner Advice Demons & Retros: The Humble Inquiry Dilemma
Lately, in my quest to become a better agile coach, I picked up Edgar H. Schein's Humble Inquiry. The goal? To become more humble, naturally. But instead, I found myself tangled up in knots trying to understand how to stop my inner control freak from turning every question into a sneaky directive. The book offers fantastic guidance on asking genuine questions that foster understanding, rather than our typical habit of giving advice wrapped in the form of a question. You know the type—when you think you're being helpful, but you're really just telling someone what to do.
For example, you might innocently ask, “Have you tried a Kanban-style standup?” or “Have you given that team member feedback?” Harmless, right? Not quite. What you're really saying is, “Do Kanban standups!” or “Go give them feedback!” A subtle but important difference. Instead, you could rephrase with a little more curiosity: “What styles of standups have you tried?” or “How might that person take the feedback?”
Enter the Inner Advice Demon
So, there I was, mentally spiraling, wondering if I was unintentionally bossing people around instead of guiding them to their own epiphanies. Luckily, I'm part of a coaching community founded by Ben Maynard and Jon Spruce, and I turned to my peers for help. In our small group, I confessed my struggles with staying humble. The first thing I learned? It's perfectly fine to offer advice. The trick is not to be a dictator about it. Suggesting ideas is great, but don’t insist people follow your golden nuggets of wisdom, especially if it’s not working for them.
In the midst of our chat, someone shared a TED talk by Michael Bungay Stanier about taming your "inner advice monster" (or, as I call it, the Advice Demon). His point? We humans love to swoop in and solve problems, but if we slow down and ask the right questions, we can dig deeper. Sure, it takes a little more patience, but it leads to richer conversations and more tailored solutions.
Demons & Retros: A Match Made in Agile Heaven
Fast forward to my next retrospective with a small, tight-knit team. I was determined to take a new approach, something fresh that would also help me practice asking better questions. Sure, I've run the classic retros like “Stop, Start, Continue” or “Mad, Sad, Glad” more times than I can count—they work, but I needed a change.
Inspired by Stanier’s talk, I decided to try out a modified version of his questioning technique:
I set up a Miro board with just the first question and asked the team to post their thoughts. Then, I followed up with two rounds of “What else?”—giving them space to dig deeper. Before asking the final question, each person walked through what they had shared so far. By the end, the team had unearthed deeper challenges than they usually would have in a standard retro.
We wrapped up by discussing actionable steps they could take to tackle these challenges. It was a refreshingly insightful session—and I didn’t even need to give them instructions (just a few gentle suggestions)!
So, why not try this approach in your next retrospective? (No pressure, of course!)
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